keep it or bin it

[Them1tch]

Guys you know the feeling when you fall in love with a scene and you think you are the only one who likes it. Well the scene below is the only scene which has been intact through the many rewrites since "Problem Solved"'s conception in 1999.

To put u in the picture. Rich is a camp Transvestite, a member of a group of bumbling idiots who have inadvertantly ripped off the mafia. Rich finds himself holding a member of the mafia hostage.

Guy...be honest...tell me if its shit!

(also i couldn't be arsed to reformat the thing for the board)

INT. DERELICT COACHWORK BUILDING ? DAY

Rich is stands above Enzo grinning. Enzo is sat on the floor with his arms wrapped around the back of the fallen barrel, his hands cuffed behind him with pink furry handcuffs.

ENZO
You will pay for this.

RICH
You?re a hooker?
Great!

RICH
(whispering into Enzo?s ear)
I?ve never porked an Itai before, you gorgeous tutti-frutti.

ENZO
(screaming out)
Fuck you faggot!

Rich stares Enzo in the face.

RICH
You don?t, say.

Rich walks around Enzo. Enzo strains to look behind himself as Rich does so.
Rich raises his pistol to point at Enzo?s head.

RICH
Any final requests?

Enzo spits at Rich. It misses.

ENZO
Fuck you!

RICH
Is that the offer?

ENZO
So fucking shoot me!

Rich walks slowly towards back on forth; he swaps his pistol into his left hand and holds it by his side.

RICH
(like Robert De Niro in Taxi Driver)
You talkin? to me?
(beat)
You talkin? to me?
(points to himself)
You talkin? to me?

Rich looks from side to side pretending to check if anyone else is with him. Enzo looks confused.

RICH
Well I?m the only one here.
(beat)
Who the fuck do you think you?re talkin? to?
Oh yeah!
Uh!
(beat)
Ok.

Rich suddenly flicks his right wrist towards Enzo. Like the scene in Taxi Driver, a spring-loaded device from inside Rich?s cuff produces a ten-inch black rubber dildo straight into Rich?s palm, the tip rests on Enzo?s nose.

Enzo lets out a whimper.

Rich continues to stand over Enzo.

RICH
Huh!

Rich taps the defenceless Enzo on the nose with the dildo.

RICH
Don?t be shy. He?s got a name you know.
(beat)
Fellatio Nelson. King of all semen.

The dildo suddenly ejaculates a white viscous liquid from the tip into Enzo?s face.
Enzo begins wildly screaming out and thrashes from side to side.

ENZO
Fuck you Faggot. Fuck you!

Rich pushes the dildo against Enzo?s mouth. Enzo clamps his teeth shut to prevent it going in, still screaming and moving his head from side to side.

Rich pushes his pistol against Enzo?s temple and CLICKS the hammer back.

RICH
Take it like a real man.

Enzo, almost crying, opens his mouth and whimpers.

RICH
I?m putting it in your mouth and your complaining?
(beat)
I put it up my boyfriend?s ass and he didn?t complain.

Enzo, with his mouth filled with the dildo, moans louder.

Rich pulls the dildo out of Enzo?s mouth. Enzo stops screaming.

Rich chuckles to himself and goes down to kiss Enzo, Enzo tries to pull away. Rich kisses his cheek and whispers in his ear.

RICH
(whispering)
Don?t worry baby, I?m not going to fuck you.
(standing up, shouting)
I?m going to kick the shit out of you!

Rich lifts the dildo up and SMASHES Enzo across the face with it.

Problem Solved (c) Paul D Mitchell 1999


------------------
"don't hit actors, it fux continuity"

[This message has been edited by Them1tch (edited April 06, 2001).]

[cash]

i like the scene but it could have one problem, it could draw comparisions to the scene in Lock Stock where the lead gangster beats a guy to death with a 12 inch rubber black cock. apart from that it sounds very comedic and could work.
www.cashproductions.co.uk

[This message has been edited by cash (edited April 06, 2001).]

[Them1tch]

Point taken, although in lockstock its more metioned rather than a whole scene. Do see where u are coming from though. It's obviously meant to be parody on Taxi Driver though, with hints of Reservoir Dogs (Cop tied up, domineered by Mr. Blonde)
Infact my whole film has parodies throughout.

"everybody be cool, this is a robbery" etc

mitch

[Them1tch]

any1 else....purleeeeease?

[rpguk]

I Love the scene it was very funny!

Only problem is that I'm not sure how you would fit a 10 inch dildo up your sleve.

Anyway best of luck with the film.

Richard.

[Paul T. Klein]

Holy shit! That was sooooo fucking funny!! I doubt anyone would like a ten inch dildo thjta's been up domeone's ass in their mouth..... Funny man. You gotta' do something with it! It rocks!!

------------------
Paul T. Klein
Independent Film Maker
Screenwriter
And Webmaster at
http://pages.prodigy.net/dmpb

[ilpostino]

Silly, funny scene! i'm not sure what context to put it into though and I'd think about the certificate ratting if your intending to sell the script or film. The film by that scene alone sounds like it's heading into ORGAZMO teritory, that film the south park guys made, but they didn't go as far to have jizz squirting from a fake dildo, is that good or bad?!

[Them1tch]

It isn't all like that, mostly it is Fish Called Wanda type of humour, Nuns on the Run...that kinda thing.
A Goodfellas meets The Full Monty.
Chicago Mafia coming to Doncaster, South Yorkshire and exploiting the criminals there.
There are some gruesome Mafia scenes in it like a guy having his hands pinned to his legs with skewers so it would definately be cert 18 in UK.

The script has now finished 3rd draft and I am knackered. It's already had some great reviews from USA from producers who really pretty much hated the first draft and premise but now love it. Pity I need a UK producer....d'oh. Nows the time to search for an agent methinx.

Thanks for readin it guys..
Mitch